Everything Was A Hassle

I should have known...
Nothing ever ran smoothly
Everything was a hassle
I always lost

Finally the final date
In court. The chance
To settle. To move on
set months ago.
Set in motion years ago

Cancelled by her
For no good reason
There never was
a good reason
Everything was a hassle
I always lost

I am not going to lose
Anymore.

Gratuitous Contempt

Gratuitous contempt
Is what it became
Well before the
Dousing of the flame

The man i had become
Bent beyond recognition
Unable to comprehend
Or withstand her hatred

I, who was blessed
With an enormous
Capacity for love
Trapped in a vortex
Of need and greed
The appetite enormous,
Ravenous
Never sated
Cursed like that Count

An emotional vampire
Depleting the well
Devouring the hand that feeds
Leaving Sere the land that feeds

Reclaiming the desert
Rebuilding the garden
Refilling the well
Getting well
Leaving the serpent
To devour it's tale.

Olive Branch

An olive branch
Is a trojan horse
The hidden truth
Of a tough divorce

Try to be nice
Try to reason
Bad advice
In open season

Decades Trying

Decades
trying
Bled
the passion
Out of me

Sucked away
The fire

The Status Quo
of goals unmet
of oaths forgotten,
souls ignored
What did you expect

What's yours Is yours
What's mine  was yours
But now
What's mine is mine

My life
My passion
My fire
My goals
My soul's
Set free,

Return Of The King

The king returns

Crusades are won

Dragons slain

Back number one

With one eye open

Expecting more 

Not trusting peace

Expecting war

Too, too much

This little plot

On which we planned

On which we fought.

Rebuild, repair

Resolve prepare

Reclaim, retake

Redeem mistake

Remember the dead

The life and lives

The blood that was shed

The twisting knives

Digging out and digging in

I stand erect

Begin again

For all my wandering

Scars and prizes

No more wondering

No more crisis

It's not a homecoming

No fanfare please

There is no triumph

No laurel leaves

Time to live

Time to breathe

Time to love

Time to believe.

Ambition

Restless man

What are my goals?

It used to be

Survival.

But now

Since my revival

Survival's not enough

But goal setting

Is tough

Dare i dream

Of further

Freedoms?

Following my bliss

Will surely

Lead to this.

My life reset 

To teen

Before things

Intervened

Director  reset

The scene

Expunge all 

In between

where I've been

Who I've been

What I've seen

 What I've spent

What I resent

What I repent 

I'm bent, but

I'm not broken

New words

Need to be spoken

And every breath

Until my death

A thankful

Peaceful

Graceful

Grateful

Great full breath

To nourish and

Flourish the rest

Of this Restless,

Rusty, lusty,

Teenage, middle age

Turn the page

Ambition

Universary

This is my first Universary

Would have been my 24th Anniversary

I am awake and upset

My task today is to enter

What used to be my home

Which is now a house

Foreboding

I will sort what is mine

From what is hers

I will label what was ours that 

I don't want to argue about

I never want to argue about

I won't ever argue about

I will throw away and recycle

Years of dreams that

Couldn't be, that

Wouldn't be

And now never will

My ex is away on vacation

And the judge had his say

That while she is away

I can cull my effects.

Vacating while vacating

Separate vacations

I am eager to strip away

The ghosts of gaslit confusion 

that still make me flinch

of

Suffering the insufferable

of

Accepting the unacceptable

of

Tolerating the intolerable

of 

Enduring the unendurable

of

Living the unlivable

My night terrors of trying to swim

With every stitch I ever owned

Impeding my movement like a

Huge wet gorilla suit

And the weight of the keys

around my neck

That open doors once mine

Choking the life out of me

Soon to be shed

Soon to be dead

Everybody knows

...... I tried......

I have moved on

My story is happier

than hers.

I walk in the sun away

From the gaslight

My shadow clean

behind me

I am catching up to 

Who I was 

Who I am

Who I will become

Embracing life

Unstifled

Embracing love

Unbridled passion

For all that my senses

Can feel

But for now

In the lonely

Wee small hours

I ache and vomit

All regret

And duty

Forever.

July 29, 2013

Trepidation

I face the morrow with

Daunting dread

Hoping I can

Keep my head

For my children 

For my life

My greatest burden

A hateful wife

Not content

To just consume

My heart, my time

My very reason

Entitlement

She now commits

The greatest treason

And I just want 

what's best for all, but

I want what's mine

Not hers, not ours

Not theirs, not yours

My life is mine

To be free at last

But for this clash

The tires are skidding

Waiting for the fatal crash

Father's Day

Father's Day

My dad's gone away

And I'm so far away

From my girls.

I spent more time with my girls

Than my dad did with me

Every day was Father's day

Those days are gone

I am thankful for what 

I still get.

Emancipation

Calling my emancipation a mid-life crisis
Is applying blame where none is needed,
None is wanted, none is accepted

Can it be, that I just want to be free?
How irrational is that?
To say "no" when "no" is needed
To take back my time, take back my space
To listen to my heart,
To finally be heeded.

I have allowed others to walk
Where I should have been standing
I have allowed others to reap
The benefits of my labours
I have allowed myself to accept
Crumbs from my own cornucopia

Awakening from a coma
Is a miracle
Revel in the light

April 6, 2013