Universary

This is my first Universary

Would have been my 24th Anniversary

I am awake and upset

My task today is to enter

What used to be my home

Which is now a house

Foreboding

I will sort what is mine

From what is hers

I will label what was ours that 

I don't want to argue about

I never want to argue about

I won't ever argue about

I will throw away and recycle

Years of dreams that

Couldn't be, that

Wouldn't be

And now never will

My ex is away on vacation

And the judge had his say

That while she is away

I can cull my effects.

Vacating while vacating

Separate vacations

I am eager to strip away

The ghosts of gaslit confusion 

that still make me flinch

of

Suffering the insufferable

of

Accepting the unacceptable

of

Tolerating the intolerable

of 

Enduring the unendurable

of

Living the unlivable

My night terrors of trying to swim

With every stitch I ever owned

Impeding my movement like a

Huge wet gorilla suit

And the weight of the keys

around my neck

That open doors once mine

Choking the life out of me

Soon to be shed

Soon to be dead

Everybody knows

...... I tried......

I have moved on

My story is happier

than hers.

I walk in the sun away

From the gaslight

My shadow clean

behind me

I am catching up to 

Who I was 

Who I am

Who I will become

Embracing life

Unstifled

Embracing love

Unbridled passion

For all that my senses

Can feel

But for now

In the lonely

Wee small hours

I ache and vomit

All regret

And duty

Forever.

July 29, 2013

Trepidation

I face the morrow with

Daunting dread

Hoping I can

Keep my head

For my children 

For my life

My greatest burden

A hateful wife

Not content

To just consume

My heart, my time

My very reason

Entitlement

She now commits

The greatest treason

And I just want 

what's best for all, but

I want what's mine

Not hers, not ours

Not theirs, not yours

My life is mine

To be free at last

But for this clash

The tires are skidding

Waiting for the fatal crash

Of Her

I want to spend

All of my time

All of my love 

All of my gifts

With her, on her, in her

Interlocked,

Wrapped and 

Woven

Our love 

and gifts

As one

With me, on me, in me

Worship

As long as I have eyes

And fingers that can touch

I want your naked body

Because I love you so much

Your temple that I love so much

So modestly protected

So simply worshipped by my touch

So wholly genuflected

Your body pleases me no end

The skin that holds you in

Sacred vessel of my friend

My soul must drink you in

Migraine

Some days my head pounds

And I am nowhere to be found

Crumpled face looking down

Letting everybody down

Not much fun to be around

Some days I battle through it

Nothing matters I just do it

Days like that, they take a toll

Half a life , half of whole

Some days I don't get up

Nothing matters, feeling whupped

Empty life, empty hole

Most days, though,

There is no fight

I am here

There is light

You rub my skin

And all is right.

Circadian Rhythms

We always stay up

Too late and

We always get up

Too early

I like staying up late

And getting up early

When I am With you

But sometimes I wish

We would go to bed early

And wake up way too late

To do anything else

But be together.